Blogging - Journal - Evening Rain's Online Journal July 25, 2003

Calling Crow

I hear you calling tears begin to fall. I hear you calling me, because you know me best of all.

Calling some actually believe it is a meaningless name? Without substance? Without reason? Some in their ignorance and arrogance do. Oh it's a name that has sometimes been trashed on this thing with call the "net" but arrogant, ignorant and hateful people, who have nothing better to in their lives but to hurt others. To use names as weapons. To create outlandish lies for the mindless followers to believe without question.

Did you hear about Calling Crow? She's a fake a phony - she did this, she did that - and some believe. How can anyone be that gullible or that willing to readily accept spiteful hateful gossip and not question? I don't understand it. I don't think I ever will.

This photo I took - like so many others of the setting sun - and no two are ever alike, for no two sunsets nor sunrises are ever alike. Nor are people or plants - or insects - bird - no two crows are very alike.

I'm at my setting sun - angry because I am not really ready for it- but at the same time, so deeply sad. I have so much to do - and how can I do these things when I have been reduced to not even being able to do even the most simple of things for myself? I have no control over my life - it has all been taken away by a rotten disease I never asked for nor wanted nor would I wish it ever even upon my worse enemy - even upon you - and you - should you ever read these words for all the hatefulness you have in your heart and spirit. I don't hate you. In spite of all you have done to me and SO many others.

I reach this point, where I think, yes, I can do it - and people think I'm so strong - they have no idea. They don't know what living with this stinking disease day in and out is like - they don't care, oh they feel BAD as they would as caring human beings for anyone, but they don't care that much, because they can't - it's not happening to them - or someone they love.

Oh to walk in the deep woods again - ALONE! I can't even do that. Not now - probably never again unless some miracle cure comes along. And if it does, it won't get to people like me right off - it will go to those who can afford it first - because it will be very costly and expensive - after all, drug corporations and medical groups and stock holders have to make their riches off the misery of this stinking illness first, before it would trinkle down to someone like me.

I feel like I'm dying - each day, just a little more. Like a flower that is not getting watered and sits in the hot summer sun, drying up, wilting, so thirsty -and not getting what it needs to thrive - dying each day, little by little. All that I love so much is all around me, but I can only look at it - I can't walk on it - or sit alone without someone to "assist" me....I can't go to my special place - although I was so near to it - but I couldn't go there.....I guess I am lucky to have even gotten as close as I did.

Raven took me there.....the power chair made it around the huge bolders that had to be set up to discourage vandals -and down the path I've walked hundeds of times before. I could not walk it this time, but had to carefully manuver my way around, feeling all the while, so out of control - strapped in a wheelchair.

We reached the river bank and I managed to walk a short distance. Oh how good it felt to have the warm river sand under my feet! To feel it between toes and beginning to cover my feet - no wrappings toda - just freedom = bared legged and bare footed.

It was the hardest walk I've ever done in my life - to get to the water. But I made it. I had to fall down rather than sit down - because I can't bend my legs like I could even 6 months ago - and I felt for the very first time, what it is like to be at the mercy of another - as I fell foward - my face inches away from the water. I had to roll and crawl and finally have his hands help me up. I couldn't get up - this rotten disease has robbed me of even something as simple as trying to lay in my own bed and to turn over.

How I hate this lymphedema!

Then I heard you - crow - calling - cawing and cawing for me. I told Raven hawk would come too and he did - circling around and around in the cloudy sky - just above me where now I had managed with help, to sit up - and put my feet in the water. But I was there - I had to do what I need so desperately.

I entered the shallow pool and began to cleanse myself. To each Sacred Direction I turned, and prayed and gave thanks for being there that day. For after all these months, Raven did that for me get me down there. I love you for that.....I will never forget it Raven. Not for all eternity will I forget that.

I laughed that day and cried - and cried, tears came so easily and still do. I watched the dogs with such joy and abandon - finally they were at the place they too love so well and have gone to every year all lives. Buddy and Ted would look back at me again and again, as if to say why are you just sitting there? Why aren't we going up the island's banks and through the thick woods and to our special place, our Sacred place?

Because I can't walk there - geeze I can't walk through our smal home without stopping to rest - pain making me stop - fluid filling my body so fast and so much, my breathing is labored most of the time.

I keep thinking - what is more important? Quality or quantity?

So, yes, I hear you crow......calling me. Seems it's time to go....

Go ahead - right through the window........that's it - go ahead......