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Would it be easier just to let go,
To keep my tears hidden,
And not let my true feelings show?
Losing you was one of the hardest things I've been through.
I miss you more day after day,
Only having our memories left to replay.
No more letters, no more late night calls,
You're no longer here to help me up when I fall.
No more food fights, no more laughs.
I just sit here silently,
Waiting for my time to pass.
When you were taken away,
A part of my heart died with you that day.
Now there is an empty space,
That can only be filled with your kind words,
And your angelic face.
But until God decides to set me free,
Please save a place in Heaven for me.

Love You --- Mom

****************

In Loving Memory of
Amanda Joy Alstatt

I see you when I close my eyes
I try to pretend it's just a disguise
But there is no pretending that I feel no pain
The more I try to understand the more I go insane
You were always so brave, how could you be so strong?
Why did everything have to go wrong?
Now rest in peace oh precious one
Your endless journey has just begun
Resting peacefully you feel pain no more
Take your heart and unlock the door
To a beautiful place that awaits
Hurry up don't hesitate
It's a wonderful place I can only dream of
It's filled with all the things you love
with beautiful wings you can fly
with graceful feet you can dance across the sky
you better go now you don't want to miss your flight
hold your head high and follow the light
Though you have gone from home you will never leaves our hearts
you've had your place there right from the start
Always remember that we'll never forget
your memory is shining in every sunset

I miss you so very much. There is a special place in my heart with your name on it that can never be replaced. I will hold with me this and all the other memories I have of you. I know I will see you again one day. **********************

Christy Dawn Calabrese

March 15 1981 - June 5 1997

FACES ARE FOREVER

We wear two faces.
It doesn't matter how much time has past we wear two faces!

How do we know when to change our face?

We have no idea. It happens without our even thinking about it.

Who knows when we change our face? Three of us do!

God, my child and I know! What are these two faces?

The first face is the one, with our pretend smile and laugh.

It is the one that looks straight into the eyes of the stranger, friends or family and tells them, I am fine or I am doing great, "see how far I have come."

It is the one that asks the question, without speaking the words, do you have any idea of my pain? You know they will never understand, but you want them to so much. Do we frighten everyone away with our look of desperation and sadness? I am sure that we have.

When people see us, could it be that we feel even more separated from life when we notice them looking away? Do we scare them by our mere presence?

What is it that one can say to a bereaved parent?

The answer is NOTHING, absolutely nothing. Why do people always try to fix us?

All we need is someone to listen, without judging or trying to make us feel better. A smile would be nice. Nothing will change our hurt but time and then, just the intensity of it.

The second face we wear lies deep within us, in our heart and soul. It is the one that we won't allow anyone to be near. It is Holy and Sacred ground. It is the place that we go to in our darkest moments.

It is the one that no one really ever sees except God and our child. It is the face that appears in the middle of the night when we are alone. It is the face that expresses the unbelievable emptiness and gut wrenching pain of our loss.

It is the one that breaks us down and reduces us to tears, when we think we just saw a glimpse or heard the familiar voice of our child. It could be in the marketplace, or while shopping, or at a restaurant, anywhere. It is the one that brings us to our knee's and makes us ask over and over WHY GOD, WHY? Even Jesus asked His Father, "Why God" as He hung on the cross. We are in good company.

We must each walk this path in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to tell us when to start or when to finish. Or to say to us, "get over it" My child was never an "IT." Only we will know when to begin and when we have completed our journey.

We can't ask someone to walk it for us, or we will never begin to heal from our deep painful wounds. I've been told that one day, beautiful and happy memories will replace the sad, ugly and lonely ones. Whether that is true, I don't know, but I am willing to find out. What I do know is, that I must walk the path to healing so my child will not see me die in the darkness and loneliness of my own despair.

God Bless You My Sweet Amanda

Always and Forever

I Love You.......Mom

Written for Christy