i alone have heard the mournful cries
of those in need as i have scrambled
trying to bear the burdens of grief
with hands that were not swift enough.
i alone know that my soul has been blackened
by ghastly screams in my living nightmare
being deafened by incantations fed to my ears
that sprung forth a root of fear to face.
i alone have loved to the point of massacre
completely devoted to another as i was drained
from giving and only wanting to be comforted
with arns that would return love back to me.
i alone now lay here in my grief to ponder
how a heart of love can so flamingly burn
from sweet floral to a bouquet of grey charcoal
dumbstruck that it will never feel joy again.
i alone have been buried in solitude
through carelessness without protection
bringing me to the point of horror so tragic
the gloom lurks over me in clouds of smoke.
i alone feel the deadly silent teardrops
echoing like thunder as they fall in repentance
for succumbing to the darkness of my adversary
the reaper that thrives on lies of deceit.
i alone must now fight for my own identity
hoping i can salvage from the ravage scornful shame
covering a multitude of sins, i challenge the mirror
knowing this fear is not the end of it, but a beginning
i alone must face.
for the love you express simply scream are lies
from the eyes of deceit your sweet language flies
and you think i am fooled by your empty line
because they have controlled me forever in time.
i have desperately tried to believe in my heart
that you really cared but you tore that apart
i desired your love more than silver or gold
but you sang me a hateful song making me feel so old.
you messed with my mind 'til it was a belief
that i was dependent upon you for every relief
as i gradually lost all my confidence and self esteem
your eyes of lightening flashed with a gleam.
your empty words of love made you live for each day
your bloodsucking bite sustained as my soul slipped away
you had spun a fine web of entrapment for me
knowing all the while, i may never get free.
one day i awoke and had no reason to live
without a will, heart or soul left had i to give
in the mirror i did look to behold such disgrace
and the only reflection was a blank ghastly face.
with one little spark of hope of the shell that was me
a wildfire flame started that will set me free
as i know that my fears i no longer can hide
i determined to recover what may be left of my pride.
sometimes i hate you, but i know you couldn't steal
anything from me that i didn't give for real
and i pray that i someday may gain respect and trust
for these are the elements that make living a must.
no one can beat me for in my heart i know
that each day just a little step further i must go
when i am frightened in silent tears never heard
my heart and soul heals by not hearing your empty word.
i hated myself for the things i did feel
the anger and bitterness that began to reveal
for it was not like me to connect with despise
but in time it took root as you fed me lies.
i took refuse in silence when i wanted to scream
from the continual agony of the life i had seen
all the love had been taken and turned into hate
torture turned my world ugly and i couldn't relate.
now i know in my heart it was out of control
as i pick up the pieces of what's left in my soul
how two people in love can turn to such shame
will always be a question with no answer but pain.
i know you will read this and know this one's for you
and i really don't care at this point if you do
these words are not pretty but i just needed to say
my happy day will come, the day you go away.
Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the mask I wear
For I wear a mask
I wear a thousand masks
Masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me
Pretending is an act that is second nature to me
I give you this impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny with me
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game
That the water is calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one
But don't believe me, please
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness
Leaving behind the one in a life time true love
My true love is you Leighton
But I hide this
I don't want anybody to know it
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed
But I need you, I need you to know me
It's the only thing that can liberate me
from myself, from my own self-built prison walls
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself
That I am really worth something
But I don't tell you this
I don't dare. I'm afraid to
I'm afraid your knowing won't be followed by acceptance and love
I'm afraid you'll think less of me
That you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing
That I'm just no good, and that you'll see this and reject me
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, and life becomes a front
So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm NOT saying
What I'd like to be able to say, but I can't say
I dislike hiding. Honestly
I'd rather be genuine and spontaneous, and me
I have opened up my heart to you, you have my heart , you have my love
I have been more open with you, then ever in my life to any one
But you've got to help me
You've got to hold out your hand
Even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need
Only you can call me into aliveness
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging
Each time you try to understand because you really care
My heart begins to grow wings, very tiny wings, but wings
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble
You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty
From my lonely prison
So do not pass me by. Please do not pass me by
It will not be easy for you
I fight against the very thing I cry out for
But I am told that love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope
My only hope
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands
But with gentle hands, for I am brittle and weak
~~
I Love You
Forever and Always
You Shall Always Have My Heart
I miss you so much
